It sounds a little crazy but I've noticed since Jake took a job in Virginia Beach that I've been desperately seeking a change. Lately I've channeled that need into researching moving, switching our furniture around, & acquiring a pet...I'm looking for something different (clearly). But in all seriousness, are these things really going to fulfill this seemingly urgent need for change? I don't think so.
When Jake was debating where to take a job, I found myself an unbiased supporter. I wanted us to pray about the next step and for once didn't want my opinion to weigh in so heavily (I don't know if I even had an opinion at all, which is a first). It was important to me that we approached this big decision the right way- I knew I'd get excited no matter where we ended up. And the truth is, now that we've committed to VB, that hope of change is gone...at least for me. Now, I'm seeking a replacement, something else that could substitute a change in cities and I'm coming up empty handed. So what is the real issue here? If you asked me that question 2 days ago, I would have just blankly stared back at you...I mean I didn't see anything unusual with my recent behavior. But as I started to blog after the weekend I began asking myself questions, provoking deeper thought regarding the insignificant behaviors I was writing about. I took a good, hard look at just what was going on with me beneath the surface.
And here is what I found...
1. Fact, I had put a lot more hope in the chance of moving than I admitted to myself or anyone else, but I am not disappointed- NO, I'm responding to a situation that I whole-heartedly trusted the Lord to make. A decision I saw going a different direction in the back of my mind, but one that ultimately I avoided control of (which isn't like me). Its a weird feeling.
2. These changes I've been focused on are merely distractions. I didn't get my way in a sense so I've been looking for simpler, easier things to control. Well, the Lord isn't having that! Like I could "one up" him with a dog anyway, who do I think I am??? He is B R E A K I N G me down, slowly but surely! Have you ever had that happen? This isn't the first time for me and that's how I recognize it. For me it comes in the form of crazy emotions, being slapped in the face with reality, and humbled by just how small and known I am.
"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD." -Psalm 139: 1, 4
3. The Lord is using me for his purpose in all of this. He is using my placement here in VB, he is using this sobering lesson, and he is using my drive and passion...maybe not for change, but I feel very confident he is going to direct it on something amazing, I just know it.